Cyn's Rabbit Hole

Mike was laid to rest on Thursday. I made the decision three days before, looking at my work calendar, that I couldn't go.

And today, i read Adel's beautiful account of Mike's funeral on his Journal, and I realized that it's unforgivable that I wasn't there. Even if it was because of a full work calendar. What was I thinking?

Or maybe I was thinking too much. How the hell did I shut my heart up that easily? I felt like going but just had to glance at the full work calendar, and I didn't admit to myself that a full work calendar will never let up. Never. Honestly, even when I took three months off last year-- I had an equally full work calendar that I just decided to set aside and forget.

And it's not as if anyone in the office (really) will notice if you're not there. The day you die, they'll send out an e-mail, then clear out your desk. Maybe there'll be a service a week later, flowers at your wake, and a talk with your spouse when they hand over the insurance check. Then they'll hire your replacement and your cubicle is now someone else's. It's in everyone and everywhere else where there will be a hole that cannot be filled.

And I think ... if I thought that leaving or losing my job would cause a big a hole in my heart as a friend's passing has, then my life would be sad indeed. You know what? It's not.



Mike, I'm sorry. But I continue to pray that you be at peace. and I'll continue to pray for justice for you.